Some people believe I am too happy. This has nothing to do with my very ordinary life, which is
not perfect or enviable or full of unique and miraculous things. Nor does it reflect my last couple of weeks where I've had a miserable cold, been working too much, and fighting with my husband. My flaw is that I am happy nonetheless.
It sounds ridiculous at first, like saying the sky is too blue, the falling
snow too magical. Is it possible one can be too happy?
I am rarely accused directly, for the underlying implications would be
rude to say out loud: being too
happy suggests I am overly naïve, unwilling to see life realistically, or too stupid to get it. I continuously grapple with two diametrically opposed
messages about happiness. Our
make-believe culture – fictionalized life in movies, tv, ads, music, Disney
World – portrays glossy smiles and silently suggests perpetual happiness is ideal
but unattainable. “Real” culture
-- in the news, talk and reality shows, documentaries, meaningful films --
typically describes unhappiness, highlighting pain, suffering, violence,
injustice, bitterness, or struggle.
Mindless movies end happy and sappy; award winners showcase the shadows,
sorrows, and trials of life.
The message is Happiness = Escape, Denial, and Fantasy. Unhappiness = Reality and
Awareness. Only the shallow or ill
informed could possibly stay happy.
Eyes wide open see the troubled Truth. If you’re not pissed off, you’re not paying attention,
the bumper sticker admonishes.
I get more confused because those “real” stories often end with personal
transformation, which I do value.
I am told over and over again that suffering inspires
growth. Happiness is an opiate,
dulling our senses, while sorrow transforms. Hitting rock bottom leads to self-discovery. Images of disaster victims or dying
soldiers awaken our otherwise dormant compassion. A crisis renews our troubled relationships. Very few of us have ever read
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, but his edict
is everywhere: what doesn’t kill
us makes us stronger.
Ironically science suggests that’s not really true. Happiness (feeling good about
our life overall) and positivity (feeling good about the current moment) actually
makes us stronger, or at least they’re linked to better health, relationships,
creativity, and even work outcomes. Those who identify themselves as happy,
optimistic, hopeful, or content seem to have lower incidence or severity of
cardiovascular and pulmonary disease, diabetes, hypertension, colds, and
upper-respiratory infections. When
we eat or have sex we release the brain chemical dopamine, which activates
feelings of pleasure; principles of evolution suggest pursuit of that joy
perpetuates our species. Research
shows positivity – collaborating, asking meaningful questions, exploring
opportunities -- dramatically
improves team performance. Psychologists say engaging with people and
activities most important to us and using our personal strengths to serve a
larger end – all life-enhancing acts -- makes us deeply happy.
Current research echoes what spiritual voices have sung for ages: problems and pain may sound an alarm,
but we truly evolve through joy, love, beauty, peace, creativity, compassion … happiness. We transform when we begin to rise from rock
bottom. We grow through forgiveness,
not the original injury.
Acts of compassion, not more acts of violence, unravel injustice. We are born to be happy, whether
biochemical impulse or spiritual seed.
As we age and acquire a more varied and complex life, being happy
becomes a personal choice, offered over and over again with each experience,
nurtured by commitment and habit.
Scientists, physicians, and sages from every tradition offer the same
advice. Every day, every moment,
explicitly, and with purpose … Be mindful. Be kind. Be grateful.
Spend time with those most precious, do work you love, and savor life’s
pleasures. Forgive and let
go. Take gentle care of
yourself.
I’ve had some wild runs the last few years – death, serious illnesses,
crashed relationships, shaky finances, loss, rapid-fire change … a good time to
test the theory and look for the joy.
More accurately, I’ve clung to joy like a blind woman stranded at sea
who hopes she’s grabbing a raft and not a shark. Every day, every moment, I try to find a joy groove, like
steering my tires along cleared tracks in the snow. Sometimes it’s easy – the traffic jam’s not moving anyway,
so I put on some great music. Sometimes
it’s uncomfortable – when everyone’s criticizing a political injustice that I,
too, abhor, it’s embarrassing to express compassion for all sides. Sometimes finding the positive is just
plain annoying, and I’d rather rant and rave after a tough day. Sometimes that
joy groove runs alongside pain in equal measure; sitting bedside with my nephew
in the hospital I forced myself to prompt the esoteric conversations we both
love, acting as if he wasn’t sick at all, even while I silently feared for his life.
And occasionally I must steer a gut-wrenching turn in the road, ending
relationships, leaving jobs, and changing beliefs when I’m faced with the
uncomfortable truth that they no longer serve me. Choosing happiness can be surprisingly hard, but every day I
still choose to do it.
Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson suggests a tipping-point – if we conjure
at least three positive thoughts or emotions to every episode of negativity, we
spark a cascade of greater positivity and, more importantly, better actual
results. In our relationships, our
work, our perceptions, and our day-to-day experiences. When I find the joy groove I seem to
step into the next moment, the next day, the next experience wiser, more
energized … and happier.
Truth is I prefer “happier.”
Maybe I am naïve or unrealistic or just plain stupid. Even so, I’ve decided there’s no such
thing as too happy.
